To the Affair Flakes: What if it was YOUR MAMA, Dad was cheating on???

[Anonymous]

To all you glamourous affair having folks, what if the participants were your own parents and you witnessed how it was killing YOUR mother?

My parents are in their 60s and dad is cheating on mom. All the classic signs, as he is now exceptionally technologically saavy, yet totally indiscreet. He carries his cellphone/pager at the house, and it rings, he answers with cryptic conversations. He is rude to her and this year, didn't even give her a Christmas gift.

My mother, at my dismay, all my life, has CATERED to this man up, down, sideways, inside out and HE APPRECIATES NONE OF IT. But mentally, she is tied to this joker. She stays at home, has no outside intrests because he is too controlling.

She retired from a wonderful teaching career because he pressured her to do so, once he retired from the autofactory. Its been 3 years, yet whenever I call her or she calls me, he is NEVER home with her.

I've had candid conversations with dad in the past, where he expressed displeasure about her perceived "neediness" or unwillingness to develop outside interests. But he forgets, I was there when he stopped her from joining many groups and enjoying other things until she has now become a complete shell of a person. He used mental and physical abuse to get his point across back then. Now it is just the mental abuse.

I am afraid my mother is going to die of a broken heart if she doesn't get the strength to leave this mess.

If my mom dies and dad brings the trick into our lives within 2 years, I swear, I am going to beat the shit out of her old ass.

[Anonymous]

I would encourage you to find a good psychiatrist to help you with your anger issues.

Your parents are both adults and they have their own realtionship issues. You do not know everything about their relationship and are really in need of a reality check if you think you do.

Check your local phone book under psychotherapy/psychiatrists.

[Anonymous]

I agree. 1st you use the word 'affair flakes. then go on to describe an abusive controlling man. The abuse is what you need to focus on. In my case, I love my husband dearly, he's a great father & friend and we make a sweet kind of love sometimes. On the other hand, my discreet lover does everything imaginable, naughty and wonderful and unlocks my sexuality in a unique way that makes me feel complete. Thus satisfied, I'm a wonderful attentive wife to my husband. I have and enjoy the best of both worlds. Your father does not and I feel badly for your mom. I would do everything possible if I were you to help her prepare for life by herself.

[Anonymous]

[ QUOTE ]
I agree. 1st you use the word 'affair flakes. then go on to describe an abusive controlling man. The abuse is what you need to focus on. In my case, I love my husband dearly, he's a great father & friend and we make a sweet kind of love sometimes. On the other hand, my discreet lover does everything imaginable, naughty and wonderful and unlocks my sexuality in a unique way that makes me feel complete. Thus satisfied, I'm a wonderful attentive wife to my husband. I have and enjoy the best of both worlds. Your father does not and I feel badly for your mom. I would do everything possible if I were you to help her prepare for life by herself.

[/ QUOTE ]Are you serious????

[Anonymous]

[ QUOTE ]
I agree. 1st you use the word 'affair flakes. then go on to describe an abusive controlling man. The abuse is what you need to focus on. In my case, I love my husband dearly, he's a great father & friend and we make a sweet kind of love sometimes. On the other hand, my discreet lover does everything imaginable, naughty and wonderful and unlocks my sexuality in a unique way that makes me feel complete. Thus satisfied, I'm a wonderful attentive wife to my husband. I have and enjoy the best of both worlds. Your father does not and I feel badly for your mom. I would do everything possible if I were you to help her prepare for life by herself.

[/ QUOTE ]

Yes, I am a sleeze bag, but don't want to admit it. Let me see if I can find a way to justify it.

[Anonymous]

father does not and I feel badly for your mom. I would do everything possible if I were you to help her prepare for life by herself.

[/ QUOTE ]Are you serious????

[/ QUOTE ]

Yes, I'm serious. Try to help her. Are you not interested in helping your mother? Or was your post a joke?

[Anonymous]

OP here: The point of my post wasn't to get you guys to psychoanalyze me or to tell me to prep my mom for life 'alone'.

The issue here is you selfish people, including my father, who think you can get married and do whatever the hell you want to do and it not affect anyone. Just because you aren't happy, doesn't mean that you are so damned perfect you don't make your spouse unhappy as well.

Does his affair take food out of my mouth? Hell no, I'm self sufficient, but I don't want to have worry about my mom and the misery he and his whoring behavior with the whore have caused. At this age and for all her sacrificing, MY MOM MORE THAN DESERVES TO BE HAPPY.

Mom is OLD SCHOOL. She did and does everything with grace the way women raised in her generation, from the South, have always done. She does not deserve this, but her STRONG sense of family AND religion ties her to my dad. Besides, I know my place; I would never tell another woman, even my mom to leave her man.

Today, Mom and I went shopping and I plan to keep spending time with her, but my dad? I will remain angry with him as long as my mom is sad about this unneccessary intrusion to their life together.

P.S. You can look at an older person and tell when they are truly emotionally affected. So she is not manipulating me, for those evil justifiers out there. My mother always wanted to make a home for us kids and her husband and be treated with respect.

[Anonymous]

At the risk of being rude, allow me to repeat myself.

YOU need to get help. NOW! You're a time bomb waiting to explode. Please, I implore you to get some professional help with your anger, it will kill you or someone else if you don't get it dealt with.

[Anonymous]

The issue here is you selfish people, including my father, who think you can get married and do whatever the hell you want to do and it not affect anyone.


___See - YOUR problem is you misrepresent the issue as a problem that always hurts people. It doesn't always hurt people - pure & simple.

[Anonymous]

[ QUOTE ]
OP here: The point of my post wasn't to get you guys to psychoanalyze me or to tell me to prep my mom for life 'alone'.

The issue here is you selfish people, including my father, who think you can get married and do whatever the hell you want to do and it not affect anyone. Just because you aren't happy, doesn't mean that you are so damned perfect you don't make your spouse unhappy as well.

Does his affair take food out of my mouth? Hell no, I'm self sufficient, but I don't want to have worry about my mom and the misery he and his whoring behavior with the whore have caused. At this age and for all her sacrificing, MY MOM MORE THAN DESERVES TO BE HAPPY.

Mom is OLD SCHOOL. She did and does everything with grace the way women raised in her generation, from the South, have always done. She does not deserve this, but her STRONG sense of family AND religion ties her to my dad. Besides, I know my place; I would never tell another woman, even my mom to leave her man.
___________________________________________
There's an old saying among marriage counselors - "The marriage lived but the people died." It sounds like you have an agenda regarding someone else's happiness and you could care less about whether your dad is happy. Your agenda is your mom's marriage - on your terms. You're a sick man.

[Anonymous]

Funny, the OP asked the affair flakes a direct question. How would you feel if YOUR parents were having affairs and you witnessed how it hurt the parent you loved? I think this is a very direct question, and based on the responses so far, a few things are evident.

1. You guys didn't have traditional families, therefore you are only imitating what you saw as a child. You come from broken homes, with adulterous parents and don't really know how to have healthy, moral, committed relationships.

2. You hate your parents and couldn't careless what they do or to each other.

3. The affair parent left you feeling abandoned, so you are closed off to healthy relationships, and have self destructive tendencies, that you know perpetuate in your own adult relationships.

I draw these conclusions based on how most sided with the affair parent, blame the mother and accuse the OP of being angry. Pathetic. You all need the counseling.

[Anonymous]

Come on, nobody HAVING A AFFAIR wants to talk about their own parents having an affair????

Makes affairs seem like a dirty thing, doesn't it?

Come on, what's up?

[Anonymous]

Women having affairs are cheap smelly whores.

[Anonymous]

Well. this has turned out to be another 'call someone having an affair' a name board isn't it? The OP has decided (due to purported 'evidence' that his dad is having an affair. Now someone wants to bash women having an affair.. What's the point? How did we 'decide' that dad was having an affair? Being mean & inattentive to someone isn't evidence of having an affair. It's evidence possibly of elder abuse or an unhappy person but it isn't evidence of having an affair. Constructive action would be to GET evidence via a PI and then act appropriately or else deal with the abuse which would likely end up terminating the marriage and making mom better off. Sitiing around calling names will accomplish nothing for the OP's mother. The other name calling here is too childish and sick to imagine.

[Anonymous]

To all of you affairistas out there.
Consider this, people have been cheating on their spouses since time began.
Most of us were raised in a time when sex is not dirty and it is acceptable to talk about openly.
It is only natural that some people will cheat and some people won't.
I refuse to judge anyone, lest I be judged!

[Anonymous]

Does Mom know of his infidelity? An anonymous note to her might break her heart but then she gets the goods on him( photos and phone records etc.) and then calls her lawyer. A judge would award her the house and whatever she wants, and even alimony. Get the goods on him and throw him out. Then he won't have to cheat! If she doesnt act her life will be miserable anyway so she needs to get it while the getting is good!

[Anonymous]

What part of "This is not your problem" do you not understand?

[Anonymous]

op...........you need to tell your mom to make with the head and maybe she wouldnt be getting dumped.

[Anonymous]

Some people fall out of love!! Some have not been in love with their spouse for years but stay because of kids and other financial ties. It is up to your mom to decide what she wants and act on it. Your father may be absolutley miserable in the marriage and this is his compromise to keep from divorcing her. This may be the first step to force her to leave him. Whatever it is...he is not getting what he needs and neither is your mom. Someone needs to think it through and make a decision. Your mom has made her self a doormat and to be honest a person can only do to you what you allow them to do. It is sad to see a long term marriage end but sometimes it is the best thing!! Many more people stay in dead marriages than you think. It is not talked about. The affair is a symptom and to be sure not his first!

[Anonymous]

[ QUOTE ]
What part of "This is not your problem" do you not understand?

[/ QUOTE ]

WTF? What do you mean? Someone posted a situation in a public forum. It aws eirtherr to vent or to discuss/ get feedback. If only to vent, they post, they're done venting, end of story. They (or you) got feedback. Now what's the issue? Did they (or you) want sympathy? Want agreemant? When you post publicly, you may get feedback that's unexpected.. That can be a good thing!

This man is talking about his parents 'in their 60s' like that's some kind of an invalid that will die or wilt if someone leaves them. I'm in my '60s'. I had the same routine from my ex. She wasn't having an affair, she was keeping busy in ways I didn't understand. She also was unhappy. Finally, I asked her if she wanted a divorce - she said yes! It broke my heart but I gave it to her. It took a couple of years (and a lot of retirement money) but now I'm enjoying life and work again, I've met an new lady and we're having the time of our lives.
For those who felt sorry for me at the time, I have to say, 'Thank god it happened...' So my comments are NOT made to beat anyone up or but in anyone's business but simply to respond to a situation I have insight into and maybe open a new outlook. Now - MY turn. Is there any part of THIS you don't understand? If the answer is yes, my reply is 'Deal with it or else don't post publicly on a discussion forum.'

[Anonymous]

To the Affair Flakes: What if it was YOUR MAMA, Dad was cheating on???

He did, how do you think YOU got here..........................?

[Anonymous]

[ QUOTE ]
Funny, the OP asked the affair flakes a direct question. How would you feel if YOUR parents were having affairs and you witnessed how it hurt the parent you loved? I think this is a very direct question, and based on the responses so far, a few things are evident.

Your not getting this - What we would do if OUR parents were having affairs is 1) Verify it instead of accusing w/ out proof. Having been the victim of such an accusation by a mother-in-law, when it was NOT the case taught me how cruel people are who make these accusations when they have 'reason to believe' but not proof. 2) I would deal with the KNOWN problem - abuse and cruelty to my mom. 3) Whether it turned out to be abuse & cruelty or an affair, I would try to support my mom and strenghten her ability to divorce the man and begin a new life. 4) I would love the dad because he was my father but I would voice my displeasure at her treatment and try to deter that.

Now - I have said this several times and it IS a direct resonse to a direct question. You keep saying it's not my issue or something else to indicate your displeasure with my answer which leads me to wonder what you want? If you were looking for an honest opinion, you got one. If you wanted a different answer, maybe you should just make up your own answer and post it - pretending to be a sympathizer.
Like this - "Oh my god! What a rat your dad is! Let's have the shit beaten out of him aor put a red 'A' armband on him - maybe brand him. Obviously, he's guilty - even if there's no poof - only 'reason to believe' he's having an affair. Yeah, bad dads are scum and douchebags."

There you go - happy now? Go ahead, now YOU write an answer.

[Anonymous]

[ QUOTE ]
The issue here is you selfish people, including my father, who think you can get married and do whatever the hell you want to do and it not affect anyone.


___See - YOUR problem is you misrepresent the issue as a problem that always hurts people. It doesn't always hurt people - pure & simple.

[/ QUOTE ]

How can you even say it doesn't always hurt people. Sure an affair hurts someone, even if not caught. If you don't get caught you are still hurting your spouse in that you are not abiding by your vows, whether or not they find out is not the issue. If you are cheating with someone else you are not giving 100% to your spouse. PERIOD. And don't say you are. You are giving sex, intimacy and friendship to the opposite sex in ways that are very wrong. Yes you can be good friends with the opposite sex but not intimately.

The point the OP is making is those of you having affairs are selfish. YOu are not thinking of your spouse, children or even your extended family. I love my husbands family and would be heartbroken to not be in the family any more and they with me. So you are being very selfish by cheating plain and simple.

And as far as anger goes, lets say the cheating man was NOT her father but a step father or Mom's BF, NO ONE on this could dare say they would not be pissed off if someone was hurting their Mama. After all it's your Mama. And I would bet you cheaters (men more so) would show the cheating step father or BF what they thought without so much as a thought. So leave her be anger, which I would be too, and stop telling her she needs help. It is all the cheaters out there that need help with commitment issues!!!

[Anonymous]

Sorry, but cheating happens all the time. It is wrong but that will not change the fact that people sometimes lose interest and go seeking something else. It is bad that he doesn't leave her, but he may not want to. That makes it her problem to deal with. She can stay with the cheater and be miserable or leave. People change and many fall out of love....many!!! It is not talked about except places like this. This is extremely common!!! I cannot believe you do not realize that. It may hurt to see your mom hurt, but she has to take responsibility for her own life and since she is being treated this way she needs to do whatever it is that will help her and make her happy. Leaving may not make her happy but staying and taking this cheating sure as hell isn't going to either. As bad as infidelity is, sometimes things and people change. Some people are weak, which sounds like your father. He should be faithful...but he isn't so being pissed offf and bithing about it may help you, but your mom is the one who needs to get her mind together and decide what she wants. Sometimes life sucks.

[Anonymous]

Good fucking grief !!! This guy doesn't even know for certain his father is having an affair!!! This is like George Bush invading Iraq without WMDs. Shouldn't people find out for sure or should they just start swinging? The guy may love his mom but he's a loose canon.

[Anonymous]

OP Here: I am the daughter, not the son.

[Anonymous]

[ QUOTE ]
OP Here: I am the daughter, not the son.

[/ QUOTE ]

Ya wanna bump uglies, hot cheeks?

[Anonymous]

[ QUOTE ]
OP Here: I am the daughter, not the son.

[/ QUOTE ]

So? You STILL don't know for sure !!! What country are you guilty until proved innocent?

[Anonymous]

[ QUOTE ]


So? You STILL don't know for sure !!! What country are you guilty until proved innocent?

[/ QUOTE ] Obviously you never been involved with the leagl system in the good ole USA.

[Anonymous]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]


So? You STILL don't know for sure !!! What country are you guilty until proved innocent?

[/ QUOTE ] Obviously you never been involved with the leagl system in the good ole USA.

[/ QUOTE ]
Your dyin' ass I haven't. maybe I should scan in my settlement and post it. Are you brain dead or something?

[Anonymous]

[ QUOTE ]
Funny, the OP asked the affair flakes a direct question. How would you feel if YOUR parents were having affairs and you witnessed how it hurt the parent you loved? I think this is a very direct question, and based on the responses so far, a few things are evident.

1. You guys didn't have traditional families, therefore you are only imitating what you saw as a child. You come from broken homes, with adulterous parents and don't really know how to have healthy, moral, committed relationships.

2. You hate your parents and couldn't careless what they do or to each other.

3. The affair parent left you feeling abandoned, so you are closed off to healthy relationships, and have self destructive tendencies, that you know perpetuate in your own adult relationships.

I draw these conclusions based on how most sided with the affair parent, blame the mother and accuse the OP of being angry. Pathetic. You all need the counseling.

[/ QUOTE ]

I will take a shot at this, although I really don't know why.

1. I am not sure what a traditional family is, but I had a Father and Mother, no siblings. My Father was in the Navy, hense he was gone about half the time. So I guess I was raised by my Mother.

2. My Father died when I was 19 so I never really got to know him. He was largely an authority figure. My Mother is very caring and kind, but she can smother you, like all mothers.

3. I did not find out about my Father's indescretions until I was about 45. Never saw anything in their behavior that lead me to believe that there was a problem. My mother did tell me once that she knew my Father had a girlfriend in Japan. I remember her comment was "When he is there, he is there, when he is here, he is here". There was no more discussion on the topic. I never felt the need to know more.

There was a friend of the family who would help with heavy tasks about the house when my Father was gone. My Mother would occasionally take a night out with him. I saw them kissing once. No big deal. I knew the friend very well, and always felt comfortable with him in the house.

I can't say that I was ever impressed one way or the other by my parent's affairs. They always seems close, loving and took time with me. From a kid's point of view, what more can you ask?

As I have said before, its' just sex.

As I got older, my parents tought me about safe sex and venerial disease (we didn't call them STDs then). If I was going to have sex with a friend, I was encouraged to bring her home. We had a very nice private rec room that I could use and it was much safer than on the side of the road in my car.

It wasn't till I was in highschool that I learned that there were families that did not have such open and honest relationships. I was stunned there were people that lead such shallow and inhibited lives. How sad.

[Anonymous]

The OP's problem is just another example of what people who look at an affair as the cause of a marriage breaking up.... affairs are SYMPTOMS of a marriage that is lacking, not the cause. His mom had been treated like a doormat for years. You ALLOW others to treat you badly. The mother may have been a traditional, Southern lady, but face it - getting treated like crap by your spouse is a tradition that needs to end NOW. Women can 'cop out' on being responsible for their own dignity very easily. It hurts when it is your own mother. But GET REAL - the lady his dad is having the affair with is not the cause of his parents marital problems. That started years ago, and his mother should have demanded respect or should have divorced his ass ASAP! My mom finally did - scary but best thing she ever did. She and her friends are having a blast. This is why my 2 daughters are being raised with good educations and careers - and taught not to put up with any bull just to 'have a man' in their lives. There are alot of de*d marriages out there that I don't care how much represent 'traditional values' - what a farce. I am proud of my mom for finally getting her mojo and being true to her herself. OP - getting rid of her cheating, jerk of a husband could be the start of a wonderful life for her. Her weakness will not get her real love and respect. Sympathy love doesn't work either....I've seen that in some cases but that is another thread topic.

[Anonymous]

thought-provoking