July 15, 2016 Brussels UCB announces the initiation of Project Deflate. Project Deflate will reduce the size and footprint of the company by 46.75% based on the work of the advanced analytics team, while ramping up sausage production in Monheim. After 5 years of a deep analysis by the portfolio wizards in Brussels HQ, along with the the Foreskin group in Atlanta UCB has determined its pipeline is empty. As we leverage our noise to signal methodology, we have determined that the our research organization has been overpromising and underdelivering against their targets. The CEO of the company went on to announce that the organization is studying the feasibility of having the head of New Medicines return the vast bonuses and cash payments he has received for over-promoting the portfolio. ExCOM has determined that King Ismail has blown smoke deep up our butts and it is now clear the molecules being developed offer little value. King Ismail, sitting on the throne dismissed this noise by letting everyone know he is the smartest person in the Belgium owned company. Having no portfolio removes the pressure of performing clinical trials. This will save the company much money. Members of the board, have insisted they will move forward with Project Sausage. We are firmly committed to turning Monheim into a sausage manufacturing plant. This is vital to meet the German market's sausage needs. We will ask our German colleagues to work a full work week in order to get the plant online. "We know this is a stretch but Weiner production is essential". We must now decide what to do with our facilities in Slough and Brussels. Initial plans are to turn Slough into a senior citizen housing project, while Brussels will immediately return to manufacturing chemicals. Our first priority will be to manufacture a generic version of KY jelly. This important lubricant will be most useful for member of ExCom who clearly have their heads lodged in places they don't belong. KY will be provided to all colleagues in their survival kits to allow for more gentle insertions
