Philosophy / Humor

BUSINESS

Perpetual devotion to what a man calls his business is only to be sustained by perpetual neglect of many other things.

—Robert Louis Stevenson

THOU SHALT NOT KILL

My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it.
We went and had drinks.
Nice guy,

Wants to be a web designer.

 

BA-DUM-PUM!

I never make the same mistake twice.
I make it like, five or six times. You know, just to be sure.

 

OH, I SEE

To the person who stole my glasses:
I will find you!
I have contacts . . .






NVOLVEMENT

Our job is to get in the game, not keep score. —Anonymous

 

At the end of mass, the priests asks his congregation, “How many of you forgave your enemies?” Everyone’s hands went in the air, except for Mrs. Gonzalez.

The surprised priest asks the elderly woman, “Are you denying forgiveness to your enemies?”
“Oh, no! I just don’t have any enemies.”
“That’s odd,” says the priest, “How old are you?” “I’m 98,” she says proudly.

“Dear, Mrs. Gonzalez,” the priest says. “Would you be so kind to tell us how a person nearly 100 years of age has no enemies at all?”
She stands up, and with a

big smile says, “I have outlived the suckers...”

 

Last year, on Christmas Eve, Sheila, a grandmother was giving directions to her grown up grandson who was coming to visit with his wife. 'You come to the front door of the condominium complex. I am in apart- ment 2B.'

Sheila continued, 'There is a big panel at the
door. With your elbow push button 2B. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 2. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell.'
'Grandma, that sounds easy,' replied John, the grand- son, 'but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow.'

To which she answered, 'You're coming to visit empty handed?'

 

The Pope goes to New York. He is picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, "You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?"

The driver is understandably hesitant and says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that."
But the Pope persists, "Please?" The driver finally lets up. "Oh, all right, I can't really say no to the Pope."

So the Pope, and he hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls him over.
The cop walks up and asks the Pope to roll down the window. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.

Cop: Chief, I have a problem. Chief: What sort of problem?

Cop: Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit but it's someone really impor- tant.

Chief: Important like the mayor?

Cop: No, no, much more important than that. Chief: Important like the governor?

Cop: Wayyyyyy more important than that. Chief: Like the president?
Cop: More.
Chief: Who's more important than the president?

Cop: I don't know, but he's got the Pope driving for him!

 

The phone in the rectory rings, and the caller ID says “IRS” Father O’Malley reluctantly answers it.

-Hello, is this Father O’Malley?
-It is
-This is the IRS. Can you help us?
-I don’t know, can I?

-Do you know a Ted Houlihan?
-I do

-Is he a member of your congregation?
-He is

-Did he donate $10,000 to the church?
-He will-

 

Merck is an honorable company.

If that doesn't make you laugh, nothing will.

 

God’s Creation

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.

Then God created Man and rested.

Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

 

Rest In Peace

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The plaque was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

The seven year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside him and said quietly, “Good morning, Alex.”

Good morning, Pastor,” replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. “Pastor Phil- lips, what is this?” Alex asked.

“Well, son, it’s a memorial to all the men and women who have died in the service.”

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Little Alex’s voice was barely audible when he finally managed to ask, “Which one, the 10:15 or 12;15 service?”

 

A hungry traveler stops at a monastery. He is taken to the kitchen where a brother is frying chips.
“Are you the friar?” asks the traveler.

“No, I’m the chip monk.”

 

A joke in honor of Presidents’ Day...

A young woman sitting next to President Calvin Coolidge at a dinner party confided in him she had bet should could get at least three words of conversation from him.

Without looking at her, he quietly retorted, “You lose.”

 

Having had detention in school, a litte girl was running as fast as she could. She didn’t want to be late for Religious Education again. As she ran she prayed, “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late! Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late!”

As she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her jeans. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late... But please don’t shove me either!”

 

GOING DOWN!!!

As the storm raged, the captain real-
ized his ship was sinking fast. He
called out, "Anyone here know how to
pray?" One man stepped forward.
"Aye, Captain, I know how to pray."
"Good," said the captain, "you pray
while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short."

 

A Little Springtime Laugher...

How excited was the gardener about spring? So excited he wet his plants.

When do monkeys fall from the sky? During APE-ril showers

What season is it best to go on a trampoline? Spring time

What do you call a rabbit with flees? Bugs Bunny

What’s Irish and comes out in Spring? Paddy O’Furniture

 

BACK TO SCHOOL ...

Luke comes home from his first day of school, and his mother asks, “What did you learn today?”
“Not enough,” Luke replies. “They said I have to go back tomorrow.”

 

A cleric found himself wondering whether there were any golf courses in Heaven. He even began
to ask the question in his prayers. One day,
in answer to his prayers, he received a direct answer from on high.

"Yes," said the Heavenly messenger, "There are many excellent golf courses in Heaven. The greens are al- ways in first class condition, the weather is always perfect and you always get to play with the very nicest people."

"Oh, thank you," said the cleric, "That really is mar- velous news."
"Yes, isn't it?" replied the messenger, "And we've got you down for a foursome next Saturday."

 

Ah, family!!!

An older gentleman was
on the operating table
awaiting surgery and he
insisted that his son, a
renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.

'Yes, Dad, what is it? '
'Don't be nervous, son; do your best and
just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother Is going to come and live with you and your wife....

 

BLESS US, O LORD . . .

My wife invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to our six-year-old son and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" “I wouldn't know what to say," he replied. "Just say what you
hear Mommy say," my wife said.
Our son bowed his head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I
invite all of these people to dinner?"

 

HallowHeeHee
Q: Why was the skeleton afraid to cross the road? A: It had no guts...
Q: What did Dracula say when he kissed
his vampire girlfriend?
A: Ouch...
Q: Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
A: No, they eat the fingers separately...
Q: What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
A: Frostbite...