Joke time

Discussion in 'Cafepharma Playground' started by Drug Dumper, Jan 13, 2013 at 5:34 PM.

  1. Drug Dumper

    Drug Dumper Well-Known Member

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    A couple expecting their first child agreed to participate in a new experiment that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labor pains to the father. The doctor set the dial on the machine to transfer 10 percent of the pain, but it was nothing to the father. The doctor increased it to 20 percent, and the father still felt fine. After bumping it up to 50 percent, the father amazingly felt quite well. Since it was obviously helping his wife through delivery, the husband insisted on having all of her pain transferred to him. She delivered a healthy baby and never had a pain. The couple were ecstatic, until they got home and found the mailman passed out on their porch.
     

  2. Vagitarian

    Vagitarian Well-Known Member

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    funnneee...:cool:
     
  3. Walking Eagle

    Walking Eagle Active Member

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    The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her quest...ions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.

    "Interesting," the newsman thought.

    He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.

    The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.


    (Wait for it)


    She smiled and explained,

    "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

    Amazingly clean humor for me.....
     
  4. Drug Dumper

    Drug Dumper Well-Known Member

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    I just stole that for Facebook.
     
  5. Walking Eagle

    Walking Eagle Active Member

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    Funny, I stole it FROM facebook.....
     
  6. Vagitarian

    Vagitarian Well-Known Member

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    Here's a quickie that mentions the bible but shouldn't be offensive and.... it is a fact:

    Today's Short Reading from the Bible... from Genesis:

    "And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth."

    Then he made the earth round...................and he laughed and laughed and laughed!
     
  7. Walking Eagle

    Walking Eagle Active Member

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    Actually one of my favorites....
     
  8. #8 Night Train Lane, Jan 14, 2013 at 10:50 PM
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 14, 2013 at 10:52 PM
    Our friend Wonka used to play the guitar at local honky tonks.

    A few of his songs were entitled....

    1. I'll pound yo ass till your eyeballs pop.
    2. Suck on my big 10 inch, bitch.
    3. Eating ass is such a gas.

    Wonka was loaded one night and took his 3 song break. Unfortunately, he forgot to "fix" himself after taking a leak.

    Back on stage he was exposed so to speak, A young female in the first row screamed up..."do you know your zipper's down and your cock's hanging out?"

    "Well young lady of course I do...I wrote it."
     
  9. Pussy cop

    Pussy cop Guest

    DUI - Tennessee Style

    Only a person in Tennessee could think of this. From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story.

    Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Bristol, TN . After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar apparently so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

    The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

    Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--it was a fine, dry summer night--, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.

    At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.

    To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!

    Dumbfounded, the officer said,"I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

    'I doubt it,' said the truly proud Redneck. 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.
     
  10. Drug Dumper

    Drug Dumper Well-Known Member

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    I'm gonna put that on FB too.
     
  11. Vagitarian

    Vagitarian Well-Known Member

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    A balding, white haired man from Miami, Florida, walked into a jewelery store last Friday evening with a beautiful, much younger, woman at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a really special ring for his new girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

    The man said, 'No, No, that’s a mere bauble… I'd like to see something much more special.'

    At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $60,000’ the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

    The old man seeing this said, 'I think we'll take it.'

    The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'By check. But I know you’ll need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now, you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and we'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

    On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'There's no money in that account.'

    'I know’, said the old man wearily ‘…but let me tell you all about my fantastic weekend!!'

    (Not All Seniors Are Slow!!!)
     
  12. Pussy cop

    Pussy cop Guest

    An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay Of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was Feeling worn out and depressed.

    As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him About, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you Been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

    Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he Poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the Bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged Himself up the stairs.

    While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told That her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of Execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

    Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to Go up stairs and give him the good news.

    As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her Husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

    'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

    He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF G*D WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'
     
  13. Drug Dumper

    Drug Dumper Well-Known Member

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    I received this in an e-mail today:

    Subject: Homemade Chili!

    WARNING : ONLY Read This When You Are Able To LAUGH OUT LOUD.

    I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to shit yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off..

    Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement. Despite the chillies swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.

    Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the deck. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase.. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me.

    Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, Shit, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The chillies from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The chillies fired a warning shot.

    There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.

    I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. .......BIG mistake!!!!!

    Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.. Suddenly things were no longer funny.. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand explosion took place.

    Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'.. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-bitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.

    Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

    My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

    Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowes. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.
     
  14. Walking Eagle

    Walking Eagle Active Member

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    Excellent!! No Shit! IT was a real gas....
     
  15. Vagitarian

    Vagitarian Well-Known Member

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    Have to love the Irish ...
    How to get to Heaven . . . a story from an Irish Sunday School Teacher.

    I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them, ' If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven? '

    ' NO! ' the children answered.

    'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'

    Again, the answer was ' NO!

    'If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'

    Again, they all answered 'NO!

    I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, ' Then how can I get into heaven? '

    A little boy in back shouted out: "YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN ' DEAD...."

    It's a curious ethnic group, the Irish.
     
  16. Walking Eagle

    Walking Eagle Active Member

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    Can't really call my self Irish. Last name is Irish(or was in a slightly different format/spelling), but I have so many different nationalities, etc in me that I truly qualify as the all American Mutt! But love the Irish humor.
     
  17. Walking Eagle

    Walking Eagle Active Member

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    Teacher in New York City was trying to teach the kids about animals and wildlife. They had been to the zoo and seen the exotics, but she wanted them to know about American animals. She located pictures of various animals for her class. She started easy by holding up a picture of a cow and asked who know what it was. Most of the class immediately raised their little hands and picked one who correctly identified the cow. Next she held up a picture of a horse and they didn't even wait to be called on, just all shouted horsey, horsey. This went on for a few more pictures until she came to the picture of a beautiful 12 point buck. No hands. So she gave them a clue: What does your mommy call your daddy when he is being affectionate to her. Little Vag stood up and yelled: "I know. I know. It's a horny bastard!!!".
     
  18. Walking Eagle

    Walking Eagle Active Member

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    The only joke I have found that cannot be told without the magic "F" word.

    Mickey and Minnie are getting a divorce. They are both very belligerent and the madder they get the higher and squeakier their voices get. The judge finally calls for order and complete silence. Minnie, please tell me once more slowly, plainly why you want this divorce. She goes off and he finally gets her calmed down enough to get the gist of her complaints. He turns to Mickey with the same admonishment and finally feels he understands him. He turns back to Minnie and says "If I understand you correctly, Mickey drinks too much, stays out late with his buddies, spends too much money not leaving enough to pay the bills and had hit you on more than one occasion." To Mickey he says "Mickey, if I have understood your statement, you feel Minnie is insane." To which Mickey replies "NO, I said she is fucking Goofy!!!"
     
  19. Vagitarian

    Vagitarian Well-Known Member

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    Four guys have been going on the same golf trip for many years. This year, WE's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. And thus he calls his buddies and tells them the bad news. Two days later, the 3 other guys arrive at the resort to begin their yearly golf getaway. And of all things, they find WE sitting there with his clubs already set up on his cart.
    "Dang WE buddy, how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"
    "Well, yesterday evening, after my wife finished reading "Fifty Shades Of Gray," she pulled me into our bedroom. On the bed she had handcuffs and ropes! Then she told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did." Then she said, "Do whatever you want."
    So, Here I am!
     
  20. Ah yes...golf jokes.....

    Guy hooks his teeball down the left side and is heading directly at the beercart girl. The loud 'fore" was apparently too late. The ball strikes the pretty lassie in the temple, knocks her onto the cart path, with the ball miraculously landing in the girls mouth...wedged between her teeth.

    Hurriedly, they rush down to tend to the victim. A quick pulse test confirms....she is dead.

    "What ya gonna do?" Screeched the playing partner. "Not sure, but I'm thinking I can get there with a 4 iron, bad lie and all".