Uncle Everett's Therapy Corner

Once again you fail to see your own errors (Willl ?)

 

Now, now NJ:

Don't be upset. I think it is GRRREEEEAAATTTTT that you are the HR Director for this wonderful company. It does NOT matter that you only have a high school degree. Your positivity and trustworthiness is way more important. Any old sales rep can get a business degree.

I want you to relax, go to the break room and get a donut out of the fridge (its ok...FM is not here to judge your eating) and research pretty places that you can travel to next month to "scout out NSM locations". I heard that San Francisco is beautiful this time of year!

xo Uncle Everett

 

In my therapy corner it is OK to have a word misspelled, I just spoke to our HR director and she said "gramer don't matter no how on the intranet".

And since this is MY thread, I am ok with a misspelled word.

Uncle E

 

Dearest Uncle,

I am confused and sad on how Friday's national conference call went. My RSM sent me a text and TOLD me to ask a question from our new CEO. She even gave me the question to ask!

I feel that my question about values was valid. Why was he such a Meany CEO in his response.

What should I do?? I thought about sending him a welcome basket of scented candles and bath bombs from
Bath & Body works. They have a new scent of bath bomb that is called "Namastay In The Tub". Or should I go with "Unicorn's Tears" to better show an act of attrition?

Please respond soon. My 15% coupon expires tomorrow.

Feeling Devastated in Dermatology,

 

Dear Devastated,

I just got off the telefono with Spain so that I could quickly help lift your spirits.

As you know, Exeltis loves "Giving Back to Save Lives" through our Mundo Sano organization.

Unfortunately, 2017 was not profitable for our global company. The 2018 strategy is to "give back savings to employees in Spain through downsizing employees in the USA".

The Sigman family is being quoted with "Let's Make SPAIN Great Again!"

As a result, your new CEO is in NJ to cut 40% of the sales force by fall.

But you should not worry. Our CEO recognizes the AWSOME contributions that you and your Derm peers in the NE have made. You are safe unlike the reps in the south or west. Most of the other cuts will come in WH.

They are looking at a 50% reduction! YIKES!

Regarding the bath bombs, our new leader told me not to bother sending him the gift. All is forgiven.

On the other hand, I could use a relaxing bath filled with Unicorn's Tears. Send them to the HQ.

Write back anytime,

Uncle E

 

Dear Uncle Everett,

Ok, I am mad. I came on board with the company recently and "inherited" a junky suv. The vehicle smells like a middle school locker room. When I complained, my boss told me to be happy that I have 4 wheels. He also said that it will take some time because in only has 22k miles.

Last week, my boss stuffed his fat face with pasta at our office lunch. Can you believe while driving to our next call that he started to pass gas!! All of a sudden, he gets a panic look on his face and DEMANDS that I pull over to a convenience store. He went in and stayed for 40 minutes! Now my car smells even worse.

I thought about calling HR to see if she could intervene. I heard that she has a fleet vehicle. Do you think she can get me a new ride? I need help!

Smelling stinky cheese in Sacramento

 

Unkle E,

If you used some of the creative energy that you exhibit in this thread to do your job, do you think you could have been more successful? Your posts sound like the ramblings of a mad man (or woman). Have you gone insane doing the same things over and over expecting different results?

Konserned in Kazakhstan

 

uncle e-

Please don’t listen to konserned. I find your posts amusing, insightful, and more honest than anything coming from corporate. If we couldn’t laugh at this disaster, we wouldn’t be able to function.

 

Uncle,

How do we introduce President Perez to Cafepharma? We would be doing him a great service because it would save him a year's worth of "figuring" this place out.
I would hope he is smart enough to read through the sarcasm and humor and see that it all has an origin of truth.

In Perez We Trust!

 

Dear Konserned in Kazakhstan.....Or should I refer to you as NJ.

I am confused??? Why the sudden attack on Uncle Everett? He has been only supportive when others discuss how you are not HR trained. He defend your honor when asked about the lack of college degree.

He also supported you when you laid off the pregnant derm rep on the last round of layoffs.

Exeltis is the dictionary (that's a book that gives us proper spelling of words) definition of insanity. You have only 2 people on the derm team that were with the company when it was purchased. One of those 2 are related through marriage.

Shouldn't you be kissing up to the new BOSS Hogg? That should be your focus and not slamming Uncle E

Peace and Love,

Protective in Pittsburgh

 

Hi Raw,

Thank you for having the courage to share your medical condition. I too like to roleplay with my favorite lady. Only I dress as a Bullfighter from Spain. I recently picked up a Traje de luces on my last trip to see to Madrid. Unfortunately the outfit was a size to small in the crouch. I too experience a rash after a night of Ol'e.

In regards, to Neocera not being covered, don't worry about it. It is not getting covered for ANY patients. I suggest that you get a prescription of Epiceram. It is a way better product.

Your challenge is that even that might not be covered on the crumby insurance plan. You can always go to the local Walmart in Roswell and get a tub of good old Vaseline. That'll do the trick.

Have fun this week and May the Force of Exeltis Be With YOU!

Unkle E

 

Hola Raw,

I too like to cosplay. If you ever want to meet a HANsome SOLO, I can visit you in Roswell.
I will even let you play with my blaster.

The only thing is that it has to be this week. I am getting shipped out to a galaxy far, far away soon.

Use the force and call me...

Love ,
Fernando, I MEAN Han.

 

Hi my name is Scout (my friends call me scooter) and I from Mobile, AL and I'm interested in joinging yur company.

I know about you from Mama. I am her 8the kid of 11kids. She just loved Vitafol. Mama always said they was 2 things that was important:
1) always have Medicaid pay for the Vitafol baby pills
2) breastfeed the kids till they be 7 years old

Iam currently working as a assistant to the assistant manager at the local Piggly Wiggly. Mama says there aint no future in that job. I seen your posting for a salesman in Mobile. Who can I call to get me an application.

I'm a real good salesman. At the Piggly Wiggly I got employee of the month for selling out on the Cajun flavored pig's feet.

Mama had one question. Do you have to have a high school degree to git this jOb?

 

Dear Uncle Everett,
I need your help...I started with Exeltis a while ago having only some contract sales experience which we all know is a joke on all levels. The thing is, I have been a failure everywhere I have gone and have been a failure here as well. Its hard to focus on work when I just keep having delusional thoughts about everyone in my company all the time. And now, to make things worse, my mean manager is asking me to work more than 4 hours a day! Do you think being a total failure, being delusional, and only wanting to work about 1 to 2 hours a day would qualify me to work in managed care? are there any openings?

Desperate in Dallas

 

Hi Scooter,
Thanks for your interest in this GRRREEEAAAATTT company. Congrats on earning employee of the month. I love Piggly Wiggly. It is a great place to purchase friend pork grinds, moon pie and a RC Cola to wash it down. Our HR director keeps a case of moon pies hidden under the desk.

Education is over rated. Here at Exeltis we value passion and hard work over a high school degree. I HIGHLY encourage you to send in an application for our pharma sales opening.

Don't be ashamed with your inability to spell. Our HR director gives out a Speak & Spell to every new hire!

Best of luck and Roll Tide!

Unckle E

 

Greetings Dallas,
I am glad that your sent a question into our thread. I am sorry to hear that you feel like a failure. Here at Exeltis, we desire EVERYONE to be treated with CARE and COMPASSION.

It concerns me that you have a mean manager. Gosh, I am confused as to why your boss wants you to work past 4 hours. Most of our reps in WH only work from 10am to 2pm. They often time make 3 office visits and call on 12 HCPS.

The next time your manager acts like a BULLY, you tell him that Uncle E gave you permission to seek out solitude and comfort in your SAFE PLACE. Within the sacred space of our company, we strive to PROTECT all employees. That'll set 'em straight.

Cheer up...I encourage you to get in your fleet car, drive to the nearest BarBQ joint and get a large stacks of ribs. It'll turn that frown upside down!

Be sure to put it on your expense report. You DESERVE it!

Your CARING Friend,

Uncle E

 

What up Unk,

Yo Yo Yo....This is B-Rad straight from da BU. That's MaliBU .

I got sumtin' to say, and I need the world to hear it. I'm a lyricologist.

I can rap about anything. "Shrink, shrink. Blinkity-blink. Tried to make me think. Why am I still working for this crazy company"

I was speaking to my homey MB representing the WH in the HQ. Me and my dog sometimes get on the phone and we have ourself an Ole Skool rep battle.

MB is always telling me how great this place is. I keep telling him RUN, B!TCH! EXELTIS GONNA KIIILLLLL YOU! He won't listen.

I'm about to bounce outta this here crap camp. I just finished my new album called WHAT"S MY NAME and you can download it on iTunes.

Here is a little taste:
My name is B-rad. Not Robbie van Winkle. I like my lattes non-fat and don't fo-get the sprinkle.

My question is before I quit, can I send out a mass email to the field encouraging them to download my new music? And do I have to pay off my company credit card when I quit? I charged the cost of the album to the company card

Peace Out ....

B-Rad...Malibu's most wanted

 

Bravo to you B-rad. Congrats on completing your GRAMMY worthy new album WHAT'S MY NAME.
The first song, MaliBOOTY brought me to tears. You eloquently captured the moment when your composed:

If you ain't got no booty then you gotta go home
But if you got a booty shawty show me yo thong

I am so proud of your ingenuity. As a founder, I feel it is only appropriate for Exeltis to pay the cost of this album.

Do not leave us B-rad. Let's have a rap battle between you and MB. After you wipe da floor with your fresh lyrics, we then can have an album listening party.

Our HR director wants to get involved. She has a good deal on where we can purchase moon pies and Cajun flavored pig's feet for your album dropping party.

What a party we will have in Florham Park.

 

Dear Uncle E-

They didn't really get rid of a pregnant rep did they????? It's a WH company with PNV's-providers that write Vitafol branded would go crazy if they knew how this company treated women!!!! It shocks me that upper management continues to make decisions that are actually hurtful to employees. Hoping that the new company leader actually cares about doing the right thing for employees/people in general.

Just Shocked