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Responsibilities:​

• Revolutionize the global strategy of something we haven't figured out yet.
• Perform miracles in Excel with no access to Excel.
• Lead, manage, and be managed.
• Sit in meetings where nothing happens and still be expected to generate 14 action items.
• Translate vague executive ideas into six global initiatives by Tuesday.
• Know what "KPIs," "OKRs," and "QBRs" mean without asking.

Requirements:​

• Must be under 25 with at least 30 years of experience in regulatory affairs, pharmacovigilance, manufacturing, training, logistics, molecular biology, and interpretive dance.
• PhD, PharmD, MD, MBA, CPR certification, and ability to speak Latin preferred but not required unless you don’t have them.
• Must have previously worked in 3 different roles: one as an astronaut, one in pharma sales, and one as a medieval alchemist.
• Too young? You’re not seasoned enough. Too old? We need someone “more moldable.” Right in the middle? We already hired a consultant to replace you.
• Must know every version of Veeva, SAP, and Excel...even the ones that haven’t come out yet.
• Should be willing to relocate to Mars if the company pivots that way.

Perks:​

• Unlimited PTO, which you’re expected never to use.
• Casual Fridays (terms and conditions apply; jeans must be pressed, ironed, and emotionally stable).
• Free coffee, as long as you bring it from home.
• A title no one understands but looks amazing on LinkedIn.