Joke time














Oh my God, that was so funny! I'm stealing it for FB.

One of our charities here is have a Chili Cook-off tonight.
 


The Talking Centipede

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, (100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use as his house.

He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time."

But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.

This time he put his face against the centipede's house and shouted, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God?"

This time, a little voice came out of the box, "I heard you the first F****** time! I'm putting my shoes on!"
 


Phoebe said:
Is THIS the thread everyone thought was pulled? It was started by DD and centered around jokes..........
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Yep, AM4E said it was pulled and asked if I did it. He must be of his meds again - that happens when he gets on the Zimmie thread. :cool:
 








Walking Eagle said:
Where the heck was it? Looked all up and down for it...
Click to expand...

I've seen that happen before I think - maybe they pull one until another mod reviews it? Then if OK put it back in?

I think it's funny how AM4E immediately assumed it was me..........
Obviously, I live rent free in his head. :cool:
 


Phoebe said:
It was sitting all alone about 3/4 of the way down on first page just waiting for someone to laugh at MY last joke story!!!!!!!!! :D:D:mad::D:D
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Feebs honey, it wasn't a story, it was an Encyclopedia. But a funny Encyclopedia. You know we love you. :cool:
 


Vagitarian said:
Yep, AM4E said it was pulled and asked if I did it. He must be of his meds again - that happens when he gets on the Zimmie thread. :cool:
Click to expand...
I never said it was pulled, WE did. And it was gone.
And I thought it was your thread, making you able to remove it.
And I've never whined to them about anything, ever. Only jackasses whine.
 
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AnswerMan4Ever! said:
I never said it was pulled, WE did. And it was gone.
And I thought it was your thread, making you able to remove it.
And I've never whined to them about anything, ever. Only jackasses whine.
Click to expand...

Tta's correct, you never said it was pulled. (I still think it was temporarily removed, then perhaps reviewwd and replaced). Seems to me they've done that before.

What I was referring to was, after WE asked if it was pulled, your knee-jerk, "Vag?"remark. You've done that on several occassions.
 


Woman gets pulled over by Traffic cop:

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.
...
Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle
please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.
 


Tennessee Entrance Exam - Football Edition

Time Limit: 3 WKS

1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions - OR - give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
a. build a bridge
b. sail the ocean
c. lead an army or
d. WRITE A PLAY

4. What religion is the Pope? (check only one)
a. Jewish
b. Catholic
c. Hindu
d. Polish
e. Agnostic

5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)

8. What are people in America's far north called?
a. Westerners
b. Southerners
c. Northerners

9. Spell -- Bush, Carter or Clinton

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.

11. Where does rain come from?
a. Macy's
b. a 7-11
c. Canada
d. the sky

12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
a. yes
b. no

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?

15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium - OR - spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?

17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
a. New York
b. Florida
c. Canada
d. Wisconsin

18. Advanced math. If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?

19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?

20. The University of Tennessee tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
a. B.C.
b. A.D.
c. still waiting

*You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify
 


A male patient is lying in bed at a hospital with an oxygen mask over his face and still heavily sedated from more than four hours of operation. A young female nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.

Patient: “Nurse” (he feebly mumbles from behind the mask) “are my testicles black?”

Embarrassed young nurse: “I ...don’t know, I’m only here to wash your hands and feet.”

Patient (struggles again to ask): “Nurse, Please, Are my testicles black?”

Finally, she removes his covers, lifts his gown, takes a close look and says: “There is nothing wrong with them!”

Patient (slowly after removing his oxygen mask): “That was very nice but listen very, closely – ARE…MY…TEST…RESULTS…BACK?”
 




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