Joke time

A State Trooper clocks a car going 22 mph in a 65.

He pulls them over and finds the driver and three friends, all sweet, blue-haired old ladies.

“What seems to be the problem officer?” asks the driver of the car, “I know I wasn’t speeding. I was going exactly the speed limit.” Her passengers say nothing.

“I clocked you at more than 40 miles below the limit, and you should know that can be just as dangerous as speeding." Her passengers continue to sit there quietly.

"Slower? Impossible!" she replied. “I was doing 22 exactly, like the sign said. My speedometer is very reliable.”

The officer tries not to laugh. “Ma’am, we’re on Route 22, and the speed limit here is 65. I’ll let you off with a warning this time.” Then he turns to the passengers. “Are the rest of you doing alright? You all look pale, and you haven’t spoken since I came over.”

The woman in the front seat finally replies, “We just got off of Route 128

 

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning in front of Northville's Great Harvest Bread Company. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high you'll have great stamina with the ladies." So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around,the sales lady asked him if he needed any help.
He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"
"Yes, there's a whole shelf of it”, she replied. “Would you like some?"
He said, "Yes, I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."
He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this shit but me."

 

What's an Australian kiss?
Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

 

Pick up line: When I was born, I was given a choice between a big pecker and a good memory. I hope you understand why I will have trouble remembering your name....

 

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their son and his family overnight. When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"$15 a pill," answered the son.

"I don't know," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, If I decide to do it then, before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found $115 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $15, not $115."

"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma."

 

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear. 'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?' Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.' And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight.

 

If men wrote problem pages:

Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.

A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is
only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing, your best
friend. Far from being an issue, this can only bring you closer together.
Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are
still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without
you. If you're still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook
him a nice meal while you think about it.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.

A: Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your
skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral
sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to
do is to thank him by performing it twice a day: then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A: This is perfectly natural behaviour and it should be encouraged. The
man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night
out chasing young single girls is great stress relief and can foster a more
peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your
relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it's great
time to clean the house too!) Just look at how emotional and happy he is
when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he returns
home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook
him a nice meal.

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.

A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with
it do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to
videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a
birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook
him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity
training. Foreplay to man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should
be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay.
What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should; He
should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish!
Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cooking
him a nice meal.

Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep
without giving me one.

A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook
him a nice meal.

 

Two guys walk into a bar....second one shoulda ducked.

 

A guy goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted.
She pulled out a large syringe to give an anaesthetic shot.

"No way, no needles! I hate needles!" the man exclaimed.

So she started to hook up the nitrous oxide tank, and the man said,
"I can't do the gas thing. Just the thought of having a mask on
my face suffocates me!

The dentist then asked the patient if he had any objections to
taking a pill. "No," he says, "I'm fine with pills."

So the dentist gave him two little blue pills and he swallowed them.
"What are those?" he asked.

"Viagra," she replied.

"I'll be damned," said the patient, "I didn't know Viagra worked as
a pain killer."

"It doesn't," said the dentist, "But it will give you something to hold on to
when I pull your tooth."

 

I don't need Viagra with my Dentist. She is HOT beyond words.

 

The greatest trust in the world, oral sex by two Cannibals.

 

1. A woman in labor is screaming profanity at her husband from her hospital bed. He says, "Hey, don't blame me! I wanted to stick it in your ass but NO, you said that might hurt!"
2. I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife. She was delighted. I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic. I spent $2,000 on liposuction for her and she couldn't thank me enough! But I spend 50 bucks on a blow job for myself and she goes fucking nuts!!! Women, I just can't figure them out!.
3. A mother in law said to her son's wife when their baby was born: "I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son." The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said: "I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a pussy, not a fucking photo-copier."
4. Little kid catches his mom and dad having sex. He says, "What are you doing?" His father says, "We are making you a little brother." The boy answers, "Why don't you do it like a couple of dogs and make me a puppy!"
5. "I'm fed up with the excuses women come up with to avoid having sex, like; "I'm tired, I'm washing my hair, I've got a headache, I'm your sister in law."
6. Dear Dr. Phil: I was watching my next door neighbor's wife sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was jerking off I turned to notice my wife was just standing there, arms folded, watching me. Is she a pervert or what?

 

Longevity and virility:

An 80 year old man goes to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor is amazed at his physical condition. “To what do you attribute your good health and condition?”

“I’m a turkey hunter. I get up before daylight—chase turkeys up and down the mountains.”

Doc says, “Well that would sure help, but what about the rest of your family? How old was your dad when he died?”

“Who says my dad is dead”

Doc says, “You are 80 and you dad is still alive? How old is he??

“Dad just turned 100—went turkey hunting with me this morning.”

Doc, “What about your dad’s father—how old was he when he died?”

“Who says my grandpa’s dead?”

Doc, “You’re 80, your dad is 100, and your grandfather is still living? How old is HE?”

“118.”

Doc, “I suppose you’re going to tell me he went hunting turkeys with you and your dad this morning too?”

“Oh, no. He’s on his honeymoon—got married Saturday.”

The doc looks at the man in amazement. “Got married?? Why would a 118 year old man want to get married?”

“Who says he WANTED to?”

 

A guy walks into a doctor's office and says, "Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
The doctor hears this, thinks for a moment, then says, "Sounds like you have Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, it's not unusual."

 

Did you hear about the politician who wanted tried to ban pre-shredded cheese?

He wanted to make America grate again.