Contest (I'm not refering to the one on Seinfield)




Re: Contest (I\'m not refering to the one on Seinfield)

The US Military announced today that due to the shortage of weapons being supplied to American forces that they will be contracting with Canadian manufacturer Biovail Pharmaceuticals. Biovail will be manufacturing the new material that is to be used in the US Army's Mk-II shrapnel grenade. The material known as Teveten (eprosartan), has been described by military experts as "able to penetrate the thickest armor." The only draw back to the new weapon is the complaint from infantry soldiers that a single grenade weighs as much as a bowling ball, which limits the range.

Also, a test conducted yesterday showed other uses for Teveten. A single B-52 dropped over 500,000 expired Teveten pills over a large terrorist training camp in northern Iraq. One of the only two survivors was stated as saying, “Ak balah malla wa shmalla!” Or in English meaning “It rained the white devil!”

Former US Army General and Secretary of State Colin Powell commented, “The military is overjoyed with the “efficacy” of this new weapon. Not only does it have “shock & awe” value, the weapon is nearly indestructible, and can be reused countless times.” For instance, the Army was able to go into the terrorist camp after the attack and dig up the pills. One soldier was stated as saying, “They are easy to locate as each pill leaves a 4-6 inch crater on the surface. The only problem is digging 6-8 feet to retrieve them.”

Other potential future use of the Teveten pill include:
- Dropping the pills over farms or lawns to speed up aeration.
- A replacement to asphalt.
- Submerging huge numbers of pills offshore as artificial coral reefs or potential Tsunami/Tidal wave barriers.

In a related article, the medical field has shown no interest in pursuing any further or future tests on this product.

Biovail Corporation has, in one month, gone from being Canada’s largest pharmaceutical manufacturer to Canada’s largest military manufacturer/supplier.

Company stock has been unaffected.

-FCCR
 
















Re: Contest (I\'m not refering to the one on Seinfield)

Sung to “Jump” by Van Halen

I get up, and Biovail gets me down.
We’ve got it tough. Our drugs the lamest around.
And I know, CRRR, just how you feel.
You’ve got to roll out the lunches to get a free meal.

Doc can’t you see me standing here,
when you walk past my hand does something obscene.
I’d like to rip out your spleen.
Oh, can’t take this same old routine.
Might as well jump. jump !
Might as well jump ship.
Go ahead, jump. jump !
Go ahead, jump ship.

Aaa-ohh hey you ! They’ll be no severance pak.
Recruiter how you been?
You say it’s time to go, but I need more dough
So I don’t take it on the chin.

Doc can’t you see me standing here,
when you walk past my hand does something obscene.
I’ve got the worst drugs you’ve seen.
Oh, can’t take this same old routine.
Might as well jump. jump !
Go ahead, jump ship.
Might as well jump. jump !
Go ahead, jump ship.

(guitar solo)
(keyboard solo)

Might as well jump. jump !
Go ahead, jump ship.
Get it and jump. jump !
Go ahead, jump ship.

-FCCR
 








Re: Contest (I\'m not refering to the one on Seinfield)

Biovail to announce this Friday that their entire sales force will be retained and will immediately start training on their new nicotine gum (name to be determined). The product will be marketed to employees of Wal-Mart stores nationwide.
 




Re: Contest (I\'m not refering to the one on Seinfield)

I thought Biovail had a caffeine gum too...??? Wouldn't it be fun to walk into a doc's office and start selling gum? The looks would be hillarious! All the samples would be used by th staff. You'd have a bunch of beached whales with the jitters. Cool!
 




Re: Contest (I\'m not refering to the one on Seinfield)

Sung to: I Want a New Drug by Huey Lewis and the News

I want a new drug
One that won't make doctors sick
One that won't make me hate my job
Cause the pill is three feet thick

I want a new drug
One that patients won’t dread
One where I want to work
Not in a product class that’s dead

One that won't make me nervous
Wondering what my company will do
One that makes me feel like upper management has a clue
Time to bid a fond adieu

I want a new drug
One that will pay my bills
One that won’t make me lie too much
And Pharmacist will fill

I want a new drug
One that has a low co-pay
One where I can sleep all night
One that won't make me beg all day

One that won't make me nervous
Wondering what my company will do
One that makes me feel like upper management has a clue
Time to bid a fond adieu
Bid a fond adieu, baby

I want a new drug
One that does what it should
One where my manager stays off my ass
And a quarterly payout that’s good

I want a new drug
One where there is no sample drought
One where I don’t talk to recruiters too much
Or at CafePharma everyone freaks out

One that won't make me nervous
Wondering what my company will do
One that makes me feel like upper management has a clue
Time to bid a fond adieu
Bid a fond adieu

-FCCR
 




Re: Contest (I\'m not refering to the one on Seinfield)

WAITIN' BY THE PHONE
to the tune of Like a Rollin' Stone

Once upon a time I felt so fine
Didn't think work was grind most of the time
Didn't you??
Then people called to say beware
Biovail's gonna fall but you thought they all
Were kiddin' you
You used to laugh about
Those losers at cafepharma hangin' out
Now you don't talk so loud
Now you don't seem so proud
While you sit and wonder
"Will KOS make the deal???"
How does it feel?
I said how does it feel?
To be on your own,
Sittin' all day at home
Your future a complete unknown
Waitin' by the phone
 



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